Finding Grace & Starting Over.

Last month, i stayed the night with my mother for the first time in four years. We laughed a lot, we ate cheesecake, we watched stupid reality shows, we talked about boys, we complained about silly things, we shared our hearts with each other. It was a blessing. Four years ago, i would never think i’d spend time with my mother and enjoy it. i didn’t think i’d miss her when it was time for me to leave. i swore i’d never open up to her again, but there i was- sitting in her living room and loving every minute of it.

Praise God for healing relationships. 

Let me back up a bit.

My freshman year of high school, my mother broke our relationship. After choosing an addiction (for purposes, we will call it “the monster”) over her children and her husband for ten(ish) years, she didn’t have to choose anymore because we were no longer there for her to choose. My life fell to pieces. 

Over the course of nine months, my mother hurt me more than she had in all my fifteen years of life combined. What she did does not matter, but at the time, they broke me. Yet she continued on, unaware of what she was doing to our relationship. i took a step back. The Lord made it clear to me that in order to protect my heart, i needed to let her take care of her and stop putting myself out there to be hurt.

Over the course of two and a half years, i tried to let her back in my life three times. i don’t remember details, i just remember not being ready. i remember trusting that The Lord would show me when i was ready for the healing to begin. Then, He did.

He took a year to lay the foundation. During that year, both mine and my mother’s lives changed. She finally realized that she had to choose between a relationship with her children or her “the monster.” i am thankful everyday that she chose us. Around the time she decided to really fight “the monster”, i grew up. i stopped ignoring the problem, i stopped ignoring that i was hurt and took a step towards it. i began to write her, The Father softened my heart. i missed her, The Father gave me the humility to tell her that. i opened up to Him, and He opened my heart to my mother. We found grace and we started over.

It’s taken years to fully restore our relationship, and that’s okay. Good things take time. There were a lot of broken pieces, but The Lord put them back together. We do not speak of the past. We do not dig up dead “monsters.” i trust her, i love her, i want her in my life. i’m proud of her for the battle she fought against “the monster” (she’s one mess of a soldier). i’m humbled by the never ending love she has shown me. She is my mom and i am thankful for that. i would not trade her for the world.

All of this being said; stop thinking that The Lord can’t handle your problems. Stop imagining that your sin is too big, that He does not care, or will not help. We have a loving Father who will use the worst of situations for His glory and our good (rom 8:28), whether we think He can or not. There is glory to be found in the darkest of days, there is healing to be found in the most painful wounds, there is love to be found in broken places. Let Him in. Let Him win. It will not be painless, it will not be beautiful, but He wants to fight for you. 

in Him,
ashton 

 

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